Argentina Football Federation Advises Players on Adapting to Russia

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Argentina’s Football Federation is trying to recover from an embarrassing faux pas that had it handing out a manual for the players that contained advice about how to score not just goals in the 2018 FIFA World Cup tournament, but how to score with Russian women, as well.

What started out as a well-intentioned attempt to indoctrinate the Argentine contingent on how to behave in accordance with Russian cultural mores had a section titled, “What to do to have a chance with a Russian girl.”

“Make sure you’re clean, smell good and dress well,” was some of the sage wisdom in the manual. For Argentine football players, who are often dirty, foul smelling and dressed in rags, it would seem as though the effort might be beyond the worth of the reward.

Argentina should be in Russia for the entire month, which to those of us who are older, would seem like a reasonable amount of time to abstain from the pursuit of feminine attention, especially given that in football-obsessed Argentina, making the final 23 would seem to ensure that none will be lonely for long.

Then again, we think back to those days, to the time when we were that age, and 30 minutes seemed like 30 years when we lived in that unenlightened era where our football coaches cautioned us that total abstinence was necessary in order to maintain top performance, and we think that such cautionary information is necessary, if not necessarily appropriate for the 21st century.

AFA’s education department said the information on how to attract the attention of Russian women was in the manual by mistake.

Okay then, so long as it was not deliberate, everything is okay.

Perhaps the best line from the now-modified manual was, “Don’t worry, there are many pretty women in Russia and not all are good for you. Be selective.”

If the advice in the manual was accurate and effective, it could be expected that come April of 2019, there might be an explosion of babies named Pedro, Angel, Manuel…