Important Musical Decisions Impact Outcomes of AFL Games

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Will pre-game heavy metal music resuscitate the Collingwood Magpies?

They plan to use Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” as the lead up to the bounce at their home games at MCG this season.

Surely, they need nothing less than Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train.”

According to AFL.com.au, the Port Adelaide Power uses the INXS track “Never Tear Us Apart” for its home games at the Adelaide Oval.

At least the Power can be commended for picking an Aussie band, even if the group originally hails from Sydney. Metallica is from the land of the Yanks. Worse still, Los Angeles.

We recommend that the Pies switch to Melbourne’s Courtney Barnett, as Pies supporters of necessity lean in the direction of the melancholy. For the song, we recommend, “Avant Gardner,” because the side most definitely seems to have trouble breathing in.

That all got us to thinking, which experience has shown us to be a dangerous thing.

Here are recommendations for some of the other AFL sides in the 2018 Toyota AFL Premiership competition.

Greater Western Bulldogs: ACDC, “Back in Black.” No particular reason, but at least ACDC is an Aussie outfit, sort of.

Hawthorn Hawks: “The Eagle and the Hawk,” by John Denver. Inspirational to an extent sorely needed in the east suburbs of Melbourne. A song about hope for the future.

West Coast Eagles: Same as Hawthorn, for obvious reasons, plus the name of the team is contained in the title. Possibly, “Take It Easy” by the Eagles, since it so aptly describes the Eagles’ style of play. Excuse us; we were thinking of the Fremantle Dockers.

Adelaide Crows: “Black Crow Blues” by Bob Dylan, or “Blackbird” by the Beatles, especially the line about taking broken wings and learning to fly, or something to the effect that if they could win a Grand Final at MCG, the line, “All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise.”

Brisbane Lions: “Circle of Life” by Sir Elton John, lyrics by Tim Rice. The theme music from 1994’s “The Lion King.” It is not; repeat not, a reference to Dayne Beams.

Geelong Cats: “Theme From the Pink Panther” by Henry Mancini. Some of the players from the Cats’ 22 will remember Mancini well.

Did you think we were going to do the entire league?

Sorry, the Courtney Barnett lyrics bouncing around in our heads are proving, nay providing, a distraction.

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